choosing the hard way

A few weeks ago, Luke went into his karate testing uncertain and doubting. In fact, he wanted to back out at the last minute when he blanked on certain moves that he'd be tested on later in the afternoon.

He was certain of failure and ultimate doom. Don't we all have those moments?

I put on the brave mom face and reassured him with a gentle smile, as we moms do when our babes are down.

Internally my stress level was busting at the seems as his nervousness doubled by the minute.

By the time we arrived at the dojo, I wasn't even certain if I could watch him test. I was afraid he was right and I didn't know if I could tolerate the discomfort of watching him freeze in front of the judges and his peers. 

As parents, we're rock stars when we know our kids are in their zone. We can cheer, take pictures, and live in the moment because it's comfortable.

However, watching our children in discomfort is painful. Whether it's holding down an infant for a shot or watching a painfully shy little perform in a class play; those moments bring out parents' fears and anxieties like none other.

Luke's turn finally arrived towards the end of the testing event. He stood in front of a packed room and performed his katas without error. He nailed it. When he finished and took his final bow facing the judges, I could feel my anxieties melt away.

The students all got in their places and finished with a horse stance while the judges placed a new belt behind each of them. Some kids had tears streaming down their little cheeks while others shook through the pain. I watched Luke grimace while he obediently held his stance. Meanwhile, I had to control every urge to beg Sensei to let them sit and rest.

It's in our mama bear DNA to rescue our cubs.

But, I sat.

I waited.

And watched my sweet boy struggle.

Eventually I saw Sensei put two belts behind Luke, which is unusual. In fact, I've never seen him do that at any of our testing events. As the helpers walked around, they asked Sensei why there were two belts, but each time Sensei would just put his hand up to them and nod, as if say, "I got this."

Once the boys finally sat, with their eyes still shut, they were told to look behind them. Luke turned and stared at his two belts in confusion. All the other children started to put on their new belts in excitement and I could tell that Luke's anxiety was building as he continued to stare at the two belts.

Sensei approached Luke and sat down with him. I saw him whispering to Luke and Luke looking at him carefully as he spoke. 

As I silently edged my way closer, I could hear Sensei telling Luke that he had two options:

1. Pick the next level belt color. 

2. Pick the belt that is two levels higher, but be willing to work extremely hard at the new katas. 

Finally, he told Luke he believed in him and told Luke to grab a belt.

Luke hesitated and then grabbed the next level belt. 

His self doubt got the best of him, but Sensei knew better and gently guided Luke to put the belt back down and encouraged him to reach back again and pick up the more difficult level belt.

Sensei didn't waiver. He believed in Luke. He knew he could choose the hard way and succeed.

Luke just needed that voice to tell him that he was capable and ready. He needed that reassurance that he was ready for the challenge when he didn't believe it himself.

Don't we all need someone like Sensei in our moments of self doubt? More so, how can we be like Sensei to those around us. Who can you say, "I believe in you" today? Don't wait. Four simple words can make a difference.

And most importantly, to my Luke:

I believe in you. Forever and always.

Much love,

Katie

8 is great

Our Fun-Time Charlie is 8. It's hard to believe, but all those well meaning "mature" ladies in the grocery store were right. 

Luke will be 12 soon enough and I've learned that kids grow up too fast. Before you know it, they are hanging out in their  bedrooms and saying things like "oooo-kaaaay Mom" when you ask them to unload the dishwasher.

So with Charlie and his younger brother, Jack, I hold onto these years all the more tightly for they are sacred.

I try to not wish time to speed up or dream of a few years ahead as I find myself now looking back and longing for a repeat of those early years.

For Charlie's 8th birthday, we celebrated at Get Air. The lucky guy even had his birthday party on his real birthday. That's one benefit of having a summer birthday.

He enjoyed every single minute of it!

That's just his nature. He's also a sensitive guy, with a great sense of humor. He's adventurous and always up for fun.

Love you always, Charlie. Always.

Happy 8th Birthday!

Much love,
Mom

better late than never

Hello, Friends.

It's been awhile, hasn't it? Life seems to grip you like the current of a swiftly moving river. You just do your best to wade in the water and grab the closest floating object to keep you afloat.

Since we are such level headed folks, we thought it would be a sane idea to adopt a second rescue dog. I know, we are so smart. He's been a handful, but our trainer has helped us to see that there is hope. I'll cling tightly to that hope because this big boy, Ben, is testing my patience. Love him, though...just not when he darts to our neighbors pool or throws up multiple times on my new rug.

We also had a chance to catch up with my college roommate and fellow mom of boys. Isn't it amazing how we don't look a day over twenty??? It's okay, I give you permission to laugh at that one. Andrea and Art speak our language: skateboarding, bodily functions, and high energy. Enough said.

In the midst of end of the school year activities, we found an opportunity to catch our breath at our annual Memorial Day celebration at the beach. Dipping my toes in hot sand and watching the boys crash in the waves is all I need.

Then the reality of June hit us.

This year was bittersweet as Luke celebrated his 5th grade promotion. He won't drive to school with us and hang out in my 1st grade classroom before and after school next year. I was a hot mess the entire week leading up to promotion. I was obsessively reminiscing and scanning through old  photos and videos. By the time Jack, our 3rd son moves on, I'm sure I'll pull myself together from this whole "you can never ever grow up" affliction I seem to have.

Well, we'll see about that. This mom gig is rough on the heart.

Jack celebrated his last day of kindergarten. Both sets of grandparents were there with Kevin and I to see him receive his elaborate memory book his teacher made for him.

Charlie was pumped about the last week of second grade. We don't call him Fun-Time Charlie for nothing. They had a water day and awards ceremony during the last week of school. His teacher gave him a massive chapter book to read over the summer. Yeah, he's got to get on that.

Now we are settling into summer mode. We're enjoying sleeping in...till 6:00 a.m. (thanks, Jack!) and hanging out at the beach. It is our go-to place where everyone is happy. Do you have such a place? Do tell...

And with that, I hope you are each having a fun-filled summer.

Much love,
Katie

why we heart san diego

We live in the north part of San Diego county. It's a small rural town by California standards. We have property for the boys to run. We're researching chicken coops. Snakes are our neighborhood pets in spring and summer. I never thought of myself as a country girl, but as I listen to the rooster from across the valley crow, I find myself more and more at home with the idea of this being the place that we plant ourselves.

But what I especially love about our location is that we have so much at our travel fingertips. The coast, the mountains, the desert, and the city.

This last week, we embraced the opportunity for a spur of the moment trip to San Diego. We packed our bags and transformed into tourists in our neck of the woods. Fortunately, some friends of ours decided to join in on the fun, too. I love unexpected bonuses.

We spent a day at Sea World before heading back to the hotel.

Once we arrived at the hotel, the kids declared that riding scooters along the tropical grounds, collecting jellyfish along the sandy bay, and swimming at the lagoon pool made it the "best trip ever!"

Don't get me wrong, there were bumps along the way. Kids whined, they fell apart at Sea World over rides, and fought like they do at home. However, the change in scenery seemed to buffer the usual effects of such mood killers.

Hope you enjoyed your Easter and time with your families.

Much love,
Katie

11...impossible!

Luke turned 11 on January 18th. We celebrated Minecraft style, of course.

My 1st born changed my world upside down in the best way possible.

There's a shift that begins at this stage. We have conversations that are deep and mature. Simply put, it fills me up.

He's my thinker. He's a researcher and a master LEGO builder. He knows everything there is to know about reptiles.

My mom had a kidney transplant 2 months ago, so he made her a get well sign with a perfect illustration of the human kidney. He can tell me more facts about the human body than my biology teacher in high school.

Recently, he also crossed over from a cub scout to a boy scout.

 

Luke is just a cool kid who isn't afraid to be unique and an individual. I admire him. I learn from him daily and I'm humbled to call him son.

I love you, Luke. God knew exactly what He was doing when he made you.

Much love,
Mom

was it supposed to be like this?

I think I had a Walt Disney version of parenting prior to having my 3 boys.

It took just one day home from the hospital with our 1st born to show me that all my cotton candy visions needed to be chucked out the window.

Frequently, I have to do a check and balance of this motherhood gig. What is my purpose? Am I doing okay or I am a total failure?

Tough days make me question what being a mother is all about even more.

Don't get me wrong. Though there are many special moments like reading favorite stories together at bedtime, baking chocolate chip cookies, and celebrating special occasions that make my motherhood title bold and proud, I know it is much more than that.

This week, being a mother means throw up buckets and Gatorade.

It means looking like a train wreck. Um, do you see my "fine" lines?

(in all my sick kid glory)

They are not so fine, but they are representing motherhood like none other.

So what if my unrealistic expectations vs. reality of motherhood have crashed head on? Does it change my definition of motherhood?

I suggest that it defines me even greater as a mother since motherhood is a journey filled with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

Like me, you may ask, was it supposed to be like this?

Yes.

All of it.

Much love,
Katie

when the fuel is low

There are just times when you have nothing but glimpses of happy to hang on to when the circumstances get to be too much.

Parenting has a way of knocking the wind out of you.

The exhaustion can be too much at times. It does not just take down one, it takes us all down.

It is not forever, but it sure can feel like it.

However, the wind returns. Our lungs expand again. We exhale.

Though trials of tantrums, autism spectrum disorder, and boys that seem to argue more than they get along make me feel like I want to shut down, I stand firm. I refuse to shut down. I am not a shut down kind of girl.

Instead, I fuel myself with what I can. It may not be much, but I absorb it and let it carry me through the rough patches of this parenting journey.

Behold my fuel.

80 degree weather and a make-do pool complete with a diving board...

Painting in swim trunks...

Shadows...

A love bug girl just trying to make sense of it all...

A boy who could teach his mama a thing or two about kicking back.

Random Legos on my counter. I will miss these one day...

Wishing you a week full of fuel, friends.

Much love,
Katie

moments

Tis' the season for shiny, brand spankin' new black cleats, stinky socks, and dirt covered boys.

I love every moment of it. 

Charlie (6) and Jack (5) are both playing T-ball together this year. One team makes for one happy mama. Same practice, same game schedule, and time to practice playing with each other and not against each other like they may or may not do at home. 

Seeing them out there in their uniforms makes them so official as big kids. 

Don't even get me started.

I'm weepy about seeing my two youngest babes like that. They may be more interested in playing around than playing the game, but that's what I love about T-ball. Actually, they played hard and I was proud. You know, the mama's heart bursting at the seams kind of proud. 

I'm a sucker for moments.

 

When spiked fevers and green snot seized the house, we relied on what we had in stock. In our casa it's rocks and minerals.

Which turned into a rock and mineral store. This teacher mama loves natural learning moments. Charlie wasn't messing around in his pricing. Who needs a lemonade stand anyway? That's so 1985.

Lady is starting to adjust. Our sweet girl is needing a lot of love and reassurance that we are the real deal. A good hairstyle makes all of girls feel better, right? Good thinking, Charlie. Now she just needs a mani and pedi for an extra self esteem boost.

Oh, and for the record I live with boys. Lots of them.

Further evidence...

I hope you have a fabulous week, friends. Enjoy the moments.

Much love,
Katie

repairing broken hearts

When Kevin called me while I was teaching, I knew it was not good.

I knew he had an appointment with our vet because our sweet Rascal was sick.

Cancer.

He told me that it was cancer and that Rascal had 1 month to live.

I fought back tears throughout the day as I taught my 1st graders. When I got home, I sobbed throughout the night.

We didn't share the news with Charlie and Jack. However, Luke is 10 and he knew something wasn't right. He could see how sick Rascal was and he observed our sadness.

His relationship with Rascal was unique and his heartbreak was tangible.

The night before we put Rascal down, he plopped down on the carpet with the boys while we were having a "sleep over" and movie night. He knew. It was such a sad, yet beautiful moment for us.

For the last 6 weeks our house has been too quiet. The sound of paws on the wood floors and clanking of the dog collar were terribly missed.

We knew it was time to start looking for our next dog. In comes Lab Rescuers of San Diego. They rescue labs from high kill shelters and find forever homes for these sweet dogs.

Shortly after beginning our search, we found Lady. She was given up by a family who could not keep her because they were moving. Then she was adopted from the shelter, but brought back because the owner's little dog could not adjust to a new dog in the house.

The poor girl was given up twice.

Now this loving, docile girl has her forever home.

And a forever spot in our hearts.

Much love,
Katie