parenting perfection stinks

I have had one of THOSE days today.

I freakin' hate THOSE kind of days.

There wasn't anything out of the ordinary to make it rough. It just was.

From barely being able to get up this morning, to rushing kids who didn't want to be rushed off to school, it was brutal from the start. Even my cup of morning happy didn't do it.

As I gripped onto the handles of the treadmill at the gym, I was frustrated that I couldn't run. I've had vertigo for the last two weeks and it is really screwing up my plans. I have a 5k to run soon. Grrrr stinkin' vertigo.

After Jack and I picked Charlie up from school, the two boys persistently bickered until we went back to school to get Luke. Ugh.

I figured we could all use some fresh air, so we headed to the Wild Animal Park. They recently changed the name, but I'm not good with change, so I'm still calling it the Wild Animal Park.

So there. Take that, people who change famous park names without my consent.

And to further my moodiness, all 3 boys fought on our drive there. Jack is just a constant instigator of trouble lately. He has the face of an angel, but don't be fooled.

It got to the point that I had them each take turns on my iphone just to have some peace and quiet. I'm old school and try to reserve technology in the car for long drives. However, I was desperate, and it served its purpose today.

Even my 3 year could pick up on my edge and ask, "You happy, Mama?"

Through a forced smile, I lied, "Yes, Sweetie, I am happy."

LIAR!!!

After we put the boys to bed, I felt terribly guilty about my day. If my days are not perfectly seamless the guilt creeps in and makes things even worse. The domino effect begins. I am a terrible mom, I don't have a clean enough house, I should cook better meals, I don't call my friends enough...nothing seems alright.

I know it seems extreme, but that's where I was today. It's the whole perfection thing. It hangs around here a lot.

The irony of perfection is that I seek it with the false illusion that it will make me feel calm and together; like I have it all. Whatever that is. However, the truth is that the quest of perfection just leads to frustration.

Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of perfection seeking, is that the harder you try, the worse you feel because it is impossible. Perfection is a final destination point. Once you reach perfection, there is no other point to reach.

And then you feel like a failed perfectionist, which for a perfectionist seeking gal, is never good. Double ugh.

Tomorrow is a new day. I know it is. I also know that I'll have many more days like this again. That's life as a parent.

To ease the guilt, I have to remind myself that there are two things about parenthood that I didn't know prior to having my little ones:

1. That it would be this hard.

2. That I'd love my kids as much as I do. I'm talking about a love so deep that even on days like today when I daydream of sending my 3 year old to boarding school for preschoolers, I'd still jump in front of a speeding train for them.

Costa Rica Adventure Day

In case you have not read the last few posts or you don't know me well, I am a total wimp.

There's no other way to sugar coat it; it is what it is.

You name it, I'm afraid of it...heights, snakes, flying, etc.

Yeah, I have all these lofty plans to step it up and let go of my fears, but man, it is hard.

So when Kevin and all the other people from his company starting getting pumped up for the adventure tour, I began sweating and planning my get-away. I wasn't sure if I should fake the flu or just get a taxi and jam to the airport.

Since neither were terrific plans, I knew I had to suck it up and get over it. I felt relatively confident on our van ride to the site. However once we were there I saw this...



I felt a bit more nervous. I was wondering if I should put my life in the hands of this much equipment...


(Fake smile)

And seeing this sign didn't make me feel much more confident...



This? Oh, don't even get me going. I thought I was going to lose the contents of my nervous stomach when I saw this. Remember my mentioned fear of heights...





However, each person got started. I was clipped to the rope. There was no going back. And even though I was shaking like crazy and secretly swearing like a sailor in my head, I went for it...



And pleasantly discovered that it wasn't so bad after all.

Kevin thought it was a breeze...



Whatever.

After a few lines I was feeling all Evil Kevevil. Until this...





The repelling. Yeah, I thought I'd give it a go. Then I had my moment of clarity. If I dared to repell down, I'd have to rock climb back up. Um, I'm no fool.

Kev was, though...







One last bridge to cross...







I was extremely grateful for both my bravery and for it all to be over...



We horseback rode to our rafting location...





Which one of us looks more chill?

I know who you're thinking.

I won't hold it against you.

We soon arrived at the rapids, got the quick run down, and hopped on our rafts...









The scenery was breathtaking and the thrill was beyond my imagination.

We were beat afterwards and got to refuel with lunch and cool drinks...



Does anything beat ice cold Coke in a glass bottle? Nope.

However, I can think of a million things better than this...



R.I.P. Mr. Fly.

Well, this is my last post on Costa Rica. It's been a week since we've been home. I'm glad to be back with my kiddos and real life again even though today started with finding out that I had 2 cavities and my oldest threw up all day and night. But, being a mama is about softly comforting a puking kid with kind words which are coming out of a half numb mouth.

holding my breath

It comes every 6 months.

Kevin's lab forms arrive from UCI Cancer Center.

I usually love sifting through the mail, but my heart sinks when I see the envelope.

I recognize the nurse's writing by now. The return address speaks loudly to me. It is not a happy a place.

Every 6 months Kevin goes in. He gets scanned. He does his labs.

I hold my breath.

We wait.

I hold my breath.

I pray.

I hold my breath.

touching costa rica

Texture.

Costa Rica is full of it.
















check out the trunk on the palm tree. Love it...


Have you ever seen a curved bamboo ceiling?








Canopy zip-lining, horseback riding, and rapid tubing pics coming soon. I hope you venture back to check them out!

when you are convinced that your plane is going down

I hate flying. Yes, I tell my kids to never say hate. I tell them that hate is a strong word like all the perfect mamas out there.

But let me make one thing clear: When it comes to putting myself on the death machine otherwise known as airplane, I'm allowed to use hate as much as I want. I have the hate free pass on that one, friends.

In anticipation of our get away trip to Costa Rica, I made sure the frig was stocked, post-its with instructions were properly in place and my list (ok, small novel) of daily routines for the 3 boys was ready for helpful and very, very, brave family members. In addition to these organizational measures, I spent the busy night before typing out my "if we die" letter to the couple who would raise our littles. Morbid? Heck yeah! Smart? I think so.

And as my husband rolled his eyes and proceeded to mock my dramatic and neurotic ways, I clickity clacked away on my keyboard. I paused to think of each of my boys. I highlighted their strengths. Gently stated their weaknesses and gave every little detail from poop habits to which kid will eat broccoli.

Even though I knew my plane would most likely arrive safely in Costa Rica, I was glad that I wrote my letter for 2 reasons:

1. I'm super type A and preparation and organization beat a massage for relaxation any day.

2. It made me stop and dwell on each child. It made me stop in the midst of grocery shopping, laundry, and shuffling from school to activities, to savor the attributes of each child. I get stuck in what they are not doing instead of all that they are doing. I am guilty of looking ahead as to who I want them to be instead of looking them in the eyes and seeing them for the marvel they are NOW.

And yes, even though I was playing out worst case scenarios and saw the plane crash cover on TIME in my head, I had peace. I tip -toed up stairs and gave each boy an extra kiss goodnight. I knew that if something happened to me that they would be alright. Their world will not rise or fall based on me. They will rise because of the wonders they were created to be.

Simply said, who they are...now. Perfectly and wonderfully made.

Are they ever perfect? Nope. I wouldn't expect them to be.

Are they always wonderful? Hardly. This casa is real life, you know?

But, that doesn't take away the fact that they are perfectly and wonderfully made.

And that has nothing to do with me.

Much love,
Katie

colores in costa rica

From the moment we landed in Costa Rica and I stepped down the stairs to depart from the plane, I was drawn in by the bright colors. From the cheery lime greens of of the swaying palms to the glistening turquoise sea, Costa Rica is color rich.

Every color in a Crayola 24 count, um... make that 48 count box was everywhere around our swanky resort...











The plus side of our hotel provided by the hubby's company: It was the Four Seasons, Darling

The ONLY bummer: It was far from any towns, which meant we had hotel isolation. This worked well for the time that we just wanted to laze around the pool and be treated like a king and queen. However, when I travel, I am a "do-er" and l crave to learn about how the people live, work, and carry about their typical lives.

On our adventure day of canopy zip-lining, horseback riding, and rafting, we drove 1 1/2 hours to our location. We drove through a few towns along the way. I love the bright colors used for the homes. A bit of a bummer that I had to take these shots while riding in a moving tourist van...







I also snapped some shots of color happy signs and arcitecture at our adventure site...





And well, I simply could not resist the urge to snap a pic of this truck for my lil' Jack-Jack.



The company dinner parties (apologize for i-phone)





And don't even get me started on texture. It was all over the place and I'll be back to show you in a few days.

Much love,
Katie

hola, costa rica

Kevin's company provided us an amazing trip to Costa Rica. I'm keeping the words short simply because there are no words to do the country and our experience justice.

And even though I have the greatest fear of flying known to man, I knew I had to suck it up because I wasn't going to miss this opportunity.

Can you sense my fear before our flight???



I needed a little something to take the edge off...



However, after a total of 4 flights there and back my patient hubby made it clear that he won't travel with me again via airplane unless I have an Rx. Yeah, it is that bad. And don't even bother with the safety statistics. I know them. I'm just a freak that way.

So we took a red-eye to New Jersey. Far from Costa Rica? Yes. But, it got us there 1/2 a day earlier than our other options.



As close to New York as I'm going to get for sometime I'm sure...



We finally arrived and took our shuttle to the Four Seasons Costa Rica...















Our days were filled with lounging by the pool, golfing, spa time, amazing parties, and insane adventures that those of you who know me well wouldn't believe I did. I promise more pics (and proof!) coming in a few posts.









We also spent a morning building book shelves for our book donations and writing stories for local school children...







And let me tell you, when those sweet children walked on stage, the tears were flowing.

I'm so grateful for the experience and for the willing grandparents and Aunt Staci who were kind enough to to watch our 3 busy boys. Even Uncle Russ helped by taking over dog duty. It was crazy how much planning it took to get away for a few days, but it was so worth it.