I have had one of THOSE days today.
I freakin' hate THOSE kind of days.
There wasn't anything out of the ordinary to make it rough. It just was.
From barely being able to get up this morning, to rushing kids who didn't want to be rushed off to school, it was brutal from the start. Even my cup of morning happy didn't do it.
As I gripped onto the handles of the treadmill at the gym, I was frustrated that I couldn't run. I've had vertigo for the last two weeks and it is really screwing up my plans. I have a 5k to run soon. Grrrr stinkin' vertigo.
After Jack and I picked Charlie up from school, the two boys persistently bickered until we went back to school to get Luke. Ugh.
I figured we could all use some fresh air, so we headed to the Wild Animal Park. They recently changed the name, but I'm not good with change, so I'm still calling it the Wild Animal Park.
So there. Take that, people who change famous park names without my consent.
And to further my moodiness, all 3 boys fought on our drive there. Jack is just a constant instigator of trouble lately. He has the face of an angel, but don't be fooled.
It got to the point that I had them each take turns on my iphone just to have some peace and quiet. I'm old school and try to reserve technology in the car for long drives. However, I was desperate, and it served its purpose today.
Even my 3 year could pick up on my edge and ask, "You happy, Mama?"
Through a forced smile, I lied, "Yes, Sweetie, I am happy."
After we put the boys to bed, I felt terribly guilty about my day. If my days are not perfectly seamless the guilt creeps in and makes things even worse. The domino effect begins. I am a terrible mom, I don't have a clean enough house, I should cook better meals, I don't call my friends enough...nothing seems alright.
I know it seems extreme, but that's where I was today. It's the whole perfection thing. It hangs around here a lot.
The irony of perfection is that I seek it with the false illusion that it will make me feel calm and together; like I have it all. Whatever that is. However, the truth is that the quest of perfection just leads to frustration.
Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of perfection seeking, is that the harder you try, the worse you feel because it is impossible. Perfection is a final destination point. Once you reach perfection, there is no other point to reach.
And then you feel like a failed perfectionist, which for a perfectionist seeking gal, is never good. Double ugh.
Tomorrow is a new day. I know it is. I also know that I'll have many more days like this again. That's life as a parent.
To ease the guilt, I have to remind myself that there are two things about parenthood that I didn't know prior to having my little ones:
1. That it would be this hard.
2. That I'd love my kids as much as I do. I'm talking about a love so deep that even on days like today when I daydream of sending my 3 year old to boarding school for preschoolers, I'd still jump in front of a speeding train for them.