Monday, December 27, 2010

ants in my pants

I'm feeling it again.

The ants.

They're back.

I am an antsy girl. I think I always have been. I've been prone to always looking forward instead of soaking in the now.

In high school, I started taking college classes. In college, I changed my major 6 (yes, 6) times and still managed to graduate a semester early.

Why the rush?

Always moving forward. Never stopping.

Once I started teaching, I knew I wanted to have 3 kids by the time I was 30.

Why the rush?

Always thinking ahead. Forget the now.

In 11 years of marriage, we've owned 3 homes, and moved 8 times. In fact, Charlie is 4 1/2 and has lived in 4 different houses. Granted one of them was just for a few months before we sold, but still.

We get antsy. We'll settle for a bit and then we're on the move again.

Why the restlessness?

Looking for more space, a bigger yard, a better school.

And now I feel it again. I'm officially done having babies. It's a done deal. Jack is 3 and ready for preschool. And depending on who you ask I am selfishly or not, wondering what is NEXT.

Brace yourselves...some of you are going to despise what I'm going to say, but I'm feeling antsy as a mom. I miss work. I miss having something of my own. Although I love being home and not missing a beat with my littles, it is there; that feeling is back.

I've got ants in my pants. Again. I'm looking at the future, yet still struggling to dwell and savor the NOW.

As a former teacher, I'm not sure if teaching is my route. The lack of job availability with massive lay-offs and current classroom conditions makes going back to that field a less attractive option.

So then what? What do you do with a liberal studies degree and teaching credential?

Maybe it is time to go back to school. I daydream of being a labor and delivery nurse and eventually becoming a CNP.

Maybe I should use my real life knowledge of Autism Spectrum Disorders and go back to school to pursue that route.

Or perhaps the grass is greener on the other side and I should chill and focus less on what I could be doing and more on what is happening here and now.

There's no simple answer. I truly believe for each their own. I don't think there's a magic formula that works for every family. I'm not just being PC; trust me, that is not one of my strengths.

AND this is a big AND...please know that I appreciate what a huge privilege it is to stay home. I don't want to be ungrateful EVER.

Maybe I just need to welcome the ants in my pants, do the boogie dance, and then politely ask them to visit another time.


AMedina said...

Why don't you volunteer your expertise to non-profit autism agencies? That way, you aren't locked in with a job but are still getting out and sharing your knowledge.

Stephanie said...

I'm so with you! I love being home with the guys but I also totally miss having something that is my own and, let us not forget, earning an INCOME!!!! That we would welcome in our house as living in so cal on one income is nearly impossible. I say go for nursing! Job security, good income, decent hours. Go for it, you would make a fabulous nurse!!!!