final miscarriage series post--part 4

In hope of bringing comfort to others who have experienced the loss of a pregnancy, I have shared my multiple miscarriage story here on my blog.

Please see:
part 1
part 2
part 3

*****

Within a few months of the 1st miscarriage, I got pregnant again. It was something that I focused intensely on as a distraction from the pain. When I noticed the same symptoms as my pregnancy with Luke and the pregnancy that miscarried, I knew I should take a pregnancy test. Just like I had suspected, the word "pregnant" appeared on the screen.

However, just like my pregnancies before, I had to take several tests to convince myself that I was indeed pregnant. I immediately felt the thrill and joy of the pregnancy but I could not shake the fear and doubt that it would last. The prior miscarriage robbed the excitement.

We told a few family members and friends. We asked for prayer and we treaded lightly each day as we waited for my doctor appointment. I was tired, breaking out, and bloated, but the extreme nausea that I get while being pregnant was not hitting me yet. I was chalking it up to the fact that it was still so early in the pregnancy.

However, my body already knew.

Within a few days I started bleeding.

Once again, I called my doctor as my heart raced.

Once again, the nurse told me to come in for an ultrasound.

I knew the routine.

And once again, the ultrasound showed no life.

I went home and waited for the miscarriage. Unlike the previous miscarriage, I was not able to see this as common or nature's way of knowing something was wrong with the development.

I felt fear this time. I was fearful that I may never carry a baby full-term again. I wondered if my pregnancy with Luke would be my only one to produce a live baby.

I didn't wait long until I miscarried the baby. Just like the 1st time, I stared at the mass of tissue and wept at what could have been.

What should have been.

What may never be.

And flushed what was my baby down the toilet.

After the second miscarriage my OB decide to send me to an infertility specialist. I remember walking to the waiting room and wondering if this was going to be our future.

After multiple test coming up inconclusive the general thought was that my body's antibodies were attacking the "foreign invader" in my body. That is what lupus does.

Consider when you have a cold virus. Your antibodies detect that "foreign invader" and go into attack mode to destroy it in order to keep you body healthy.

Lupus acts the same way except your antibodies are attacking healthy tissue and organs.

It was assumed that my pregnancy losses were connected to my lupus. In an attempt to keep that from happening again, I was put on some medication to keep my immune system from going haywire. I was also going to start taking progesterone suppositories from the time of ovulation until I got my period. If I got my period, I'd stop taking them until my next time of ovulation.

I was feeling anxious over the possibility that we'd never carry full-term again. I began researching adoption. I had an agency in place and started to warm Kevin up to the idea. I even shared with my parents and a few close friends our plan in case things didn't work out for us.

A few months later, we discovered I was pregnant. I stayed on the progesterone suppositories throughout the 1st trimester and was relieved to see a heartbeat at the 1st ultrasound. I knew we were still very high-risk, but I had hope that his pregnancy would last.

Our son, Charlie, was born a healthy baby in June of 2006. We could not have been more relived and thankful. Luke was 3 1/2 and adjusted well to life as a big brother.



It was a huge shock with 7 months later, we found out I was pregnant with our 3rd son Jack. Again, I went on the progesterone and stayed on my lupus medication.



Through all the heartache and doubt, God taught me that He is the puzzle maker. He knows every piece. He guides us as we put each piece together to make a perfect fit.

Much love,
Katie

If you are hurting and need someone who can relate to your painful experience of pregnancy loss, please know that you can always email me. xoxo

Hi Gang!

I'm guest blogging over at Kelli's today. Please head on over to More Bang for your Bucks and show Kelli some lovin'. I wrote about something super close to my heart and I hope it blesses you today.

Much love,
Katie

guest post--introducing Kelli from More Bangs for Your Bucks

Kelli from More Bang for Your Bucks was kind enough to host me at her awesome blog. You can read my post here.

I am thrilled that Kelli was willing to share something from her heart here at minivan diva. She is such an amazing mother and I know you will be touched by her story.

*****
Hi friends! My name is Kelli and I blog at More Bang for Your Bucks on a myriad of topics. I am a church planter's wife, a homeschooling mom with three kids {although only one in school already}, and sometimes I get to do stuff like crafts. :) I want to take the chance to thank Katie for "blog swapping" with me today. She commented on another post I wrote for another blog {that was a mouthful!}, I came by to "visit" Katie, and loved her blog immediately {could be that I drive a mini-van too!}. I am always honored when a writer lets me "take over" for a day. :)
Today, I wanted to write about having a child that was born with  health problems, and some of the lessons that go along with it. Our little guy was born not-so-little: he weighed 10 lbs, 10 ounces at birth. Wowza! {Thank God for c-sections!} We spent the first blissful day with him cuddling and taking pictures, and sharing him with the TONS of family and friends that helped us celebrate that day.

The picture of Landon I carried with me the day of his surgery.

The next day, the bliss soon turned into hell as our pediatrician sent him by ambulance to another hospital with a NICU because of some blood tests that came back abnormally. Well remember that c-section? Because of that, I had to stay behind for an extra night and I have to say, that was the worst night of my life up to that point.
My husband and dad went to the hospital with our son {which was about a two hour drive from my hospital} and my mom drove me over the next day. Thus began a 7 week long diagnosing process that seemed like years, and probably took years off my life.
I did learn a lot from the process, though, and wanted to share with you a few of those things. I pray that none of you ever experience a sick child, but if you do {or already are}, please know that you are in my daily prayers.
1.) Grieve. This was the best advice we received from one of the NICU nurses. I wasn't sure why I was supposed to grieve- but she gently told us that it was important to grieve what we had lost- the special "going home" with our child, the bonding at home that instead took place at the hospital, and just the overall "unfairness" of having a sick baby. {There was no indication whatsoever before birth that anything was wrong. We were slammed with it about 24 hours after his birth.} So, take your time and cry, scream, sob, hold onto your baby and each other.
2.) Learn all you can. In the following days and weeks, you can bet we were consulting Dr. Google a lot! This probably isn't the best way to go about it, but use reliable resources to learn everything about your child's illness. YOU are the child's best advocate, even better than the doctors. There were times Ben {hubby} and I suggested things to the doctors to try, and sometimes they took those suggestions! I believe that a good doctor will listen to well-informed, respectful parents. {One doc even told us he trusts a mother's intuition! Rock on, dr!}
3.) If possible, find other parents of children with your child's illness. I cannot emphasize enough how helpful it was to have a family visit us in the hospital- total strangers at the time. Their daughter was four at the time, our baby was 2 months- and to be able to look at their 4 year old was the best gift ever. We saw that kids with his illness could be okay. To this day, we still try to visit as many families in the hospital as we can when we find out they are going through the same thing we did. {Our doctor, who recently moved away, did a great job of telling patients how to contact us. He was a strong believer in parental connections.}

4.) Allow God to use your situation for good. This was NOT on our minds at the time we were in the thick of diagnosing, biopsies, surgery, etc. but eventually we were able to look through our pain and reach out to others {See #3}. We are so humbled at the connections God has led us to- and the lifelong friends we have because of this illness in our lives. {and also, God called us to plant our church- in the city of our son's hospital- a few years after he was born. But that's another loooong story for another day!}

our family now, at our church

5.) Allow others to help you. I can't tell you how much our families and church families ministered to us during this time. The day of our son's nine-hour operation, we had about 40 people in the waiting room to support us. Forty people! Most of them had driven three hours just to hold our hands and keep us company for a very long, emotional day. I don't think I would have made it through the day with my sanity if not for them. During the whole ordeal, they also brought us food, prayed for us, and just listened to us cry. Every time I think of how loved and blessed we were, I tear up.
I know there are dozens of other ways to cope with an ill or special needs child, but these are a few that truly helped sustain us through those long, dark days. Please, if you are going through this and need a friend, feel free to contact me through e-mail. I'd love to hear from you.


Thanks, Kelli! I think you are one rockin' mama!

Much love,
Katie

time

We loaded up the minivan and headed to Brick or Treat at Legoland.



Although we have passes, this time was different.



It could have been the costumes.







Or the giving in to special treats.



Or the souvenirs that we always say "no" to.



Or perhaps it was the stroller.



We brought it along to hold the candy bags. We haven't used it for a kid for over a year.

But catching glimpses of Charlie in it reminded my how fast that time went and it made me pause.



As we walked out to the parking lot, I said to Kevin, "This is what it is all about. These days are hard, but man are we going to miss this time before we know it."



So we are drinking time in.



Gulping.



Much love,
Katie

Linking up with Jami.

miscarriage series--part 3

*You can find the previous posts on miscarriage here and here.


As I left the doctors office after being told to go home and wait for the miscarriage to happen, I tried to reason with myself that this was just nature's way despite feeling like all the air deflated from my lungs.

Not only was I devastated by the news, but we now had to announce it to several friends and family members since we had asked them for prayer knowing that any pregnancy with my lupus is high-risk.

I really felt the weight of mourning on my heart, but I felt indulgent.

So many of our well meaning friends and family responded with....

"God knew something was wrong with the development."

Therefore I must feel grateful, not sad.

"Misscarriages are so common."

I guess I should not make a big deal out of mine.

"At least you know you can get pregnant again."

Yes, I will just focus on the next baby.

I waited and waited for the miscarriage to occur. I didn't know what to expect. I was still working and I was terrified that it would happen as I was teaching my 1st graders.

Each day that passed was like torture. I just wanted closure. Knowing that the baby I thought would be delivered after 9 months of living in me, was no longer living and yet still inside me, was more difficult than the original news of the loss.

Finally, 3 weeks after the ultrasound showed that the baby was not alive, I woke up in the middle of the night with the most horrendous cramps. I was surprised by the magnitude of the pain. They were not like menstrual cramps. They were coming and going like the early contractions I felt when i delivered Luke.

I woke Kevin up and asked him what I should do. I never asked the doctor what to expect during the actual miscarriage process. I went to the bathroom and literally caught with toilet paper what was our baby.

I clearly remember staring at it. Here I was holding this clump of tissue and and all I could think was that this would have been our baby. Some doctors ask you to save the tissue so they can test it, but our doctor did not.

Again, I asked Kevin what I should do.

The only choice was to flush it down the toilet.

I wept.

Here I was flushing down what was supposed to be our next living child. I was flushing away our hopes and dreams like a dead goldfish.

I wept for the loss of the baby and for what should have been.

The shock was intense. I don't know what I even said to Kevin after that.

I eventually went back to bed and woke up the next morning and took care of Luke like it was just another day.

Each time thoughts of what happened in the early morning hours floated through my head, I'd repeat the logic...

"God knew something was wrong with the baby's development."

"At least you know you can get pregnant."

"Misscarriages are so common."

I was crushed on the inside, but put on a strong front and carried on like brave mamas are "supposed" to do.

However, I should have known that I could only rely on my own strength for so long.

Much love,
Katie

*Thank you for sharing this part of my story with me. Please come back for part 4 in a few days.

fall

I'm linking up today with my friend Janna who has a series on Fridays called 5 for Friday.

Here are 5 signs that Fall has arrived in this hood...

Mod Podge pumpkin crafting...


Pumpkin muffins...


A craft gone totally wrong, but plan B saved the day...


1st time making apple crisp from apples we picked ourselves...


Need I say more???


Happy Friday, friends!

Much love,
Katie

miscarriage series--part 2

As I shared here, God put it on my heart to share our story of multiple miscarriages and secondary infertility. Today is the National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. So today, as I continue to share our story, I pray for anyone of you who has suffered loss.

*****
Kevin and I were in Las Vegas with Luke when he was 2. My brother's family joined us. Their son Ethan and Luke are the same age and had so much fun playing by the pool, seeing the large aquarium in the hotel, and taking bubble baths together.

We went to see Mama Mia while my brother and his wife watched Luke and we did the same for them the following night. It was such a rare opportunity to hang with my hubby at the point of our lives.

During our time there, I noticed my stomach was upset. I just didn't feel right. I started to break out like I did in jr. high and when I was pregnant with Luke. I chalked it up to PMS and didn't think much about it.

When we got home, I continued to wait for my period as my PMS symptoms seemed to worsen. I was cranky, tired, breaking out even more, and was super bloated.

It finally dawned on me that I might be pregnant.

After taking several tests, which I have a bad habit of doing, it was confirmed that I was pregnant.

I was in disbelief. We were not opposed to having another baby, we were just going to wait. I was finishing up my school year as a first grade teacher and was about to transition to being a stay at home mama.

Although we were shocked, we were thrilled. We shared our news with our family and close friends. We asked for prayer since I have lupus and pregnancy is high-risk. We started writing lists of boy and girl names.

That's when things crashed.

Luke and I just arrived at my sister's house for a playdate. She also has a son Luke's age. As soon as I got there, I started to bleed. I panicked and ran to my car. As I was driving, I called my doctor. She told me to come in right away. There are benefits to being high-risk.

I prayed as I drove. I asked God to stop the bleeding. I begged for the baby to be protected. I prayed over and over again until I arrived at the doctor office.

I signed my name in and looked around the room at all the mamas to be. Some with big bellies. Some with early bellies. As I sat there glancing at their bellies full of life, I could still feel the trickle of blood coming from my body.

I was brought back almost immediately and was brought to the ultrasound room.

There I sat on the table, without Kevin by my side, as my doctor showed me on the screen that "the fetus has stopped progressing."

He told me in scientific terms what I already knew.

There was no life in my womb.

I listened as he routinely explained the possible causes and options. He suggested that I go home and wait for it to "expel" itself. I didn't ask any questions. I pretended to be strong. I didn't cry. I tried to agree that it was just nature's way when things weren't right and accept it as a scientific process.

I got in the car, though, and sobbed.

Through the shock and sadness, I was still trying to be strong. It was easier for me to look at it as something that just happens when there is something wrong with the development of the fetus than a loss of a baby.

I never let anyone know how truly devastated I was. I felt dramatic for reacting to something that was "common".

Instead, I put my energy towards getting pregnant again. After all, that is what strong people do. They pick up the pieces and move forward.

Little did I know then, that God was going to teach me that He is the only one to pick up our pieces and put them back together again.

Much love,
Katie

*Please return for part 3 in a few days. Thank you for sharing my journey with me.