Monday, October 17, 2011

miscarriage series--part 3

*You can find the previous posts on miscarriage here and here.

As I left the doctors office after being told to go home and wait for the miscarriage to happen, I tried to reason with myself that this was just nature's way despite feeling like all the air deflated from my lungs.

Not only was I devastated by the news, but we now had to announce it to several friends and family members since we had asked them for prayer knowing that any pregnancy with my lupus is high-risk.

I really felt the weight of mourning on my heart, but I felt indulgent.

So many of our well meaning friends and family responded with....

"God knew something was wrong with the development."

Therefore I must feel grateful, not sad.

"Misscarriages are so common."

I guess I should not make a big deal out of mine.

"At least you know you can get pregnant again."

Yes, I will just focus on the next baby.

I waited and waited for the miscarriage to occur. I didn't know what to expect. I was still working and I was terrified that it would happen as I was teaching my 1st graders.

Each day that passed was like torture. I just wanted closure. Knowing that the baby I thought would be delivered after 9 months of living in me, was no longer living and yet still inside me, was more difficult than the original news of the loss.

Finally, 3 weeks after the ultrasound showed that the baby was not alive, I woke up in the middle of the night with the most horrendous cramps. I was surprised by the magnitude of the pain. They were not like menstrual cramps. They were coming and going like the early contractions I felt when i delivered Luke.

I woke Kevin up and asked him what I should do. I never asked the doctor what to expect during the actual miscarriage process. I went to the bathroom and literally caught with toilet paper what was our baby.

I clearly remember staring at it. Here I was holding this clump of tissue and and all I could think was that this would have been our baby. Some doctors ask you to save the tissue so they can test it, but our doctor did not.

Again, I asked Kevin what I should do.

The only choice was to flush it down the toilet.

I wept.

Here I was flushing down what was supposed to be our next living child. I was flushing away our hopes and dreams like a dead goldfish.

I wept for the loss of the baby and for what should have been.

The shock was intense. I don't know what I even said to Kevin after that.

I eventually went back to bed and woke up the next morning and took care of Luke like it was just another day.

Each time thoughts of what happened in the early morning hours floated through my head, I'd repeat the logic...

"God knew something was wrong with the baby's development."

"At least you know you can get pregnant."

"Misscarriages are so common."

I was crushed on the inside, but put on a strong front and carried on like brave mamas are "supposed" to do.

However, I should have known that I could only rely on my own strength for so long.

Much love,

*Thank you for sharing this part of my story with me. Please come back for part 4 in a few days.


Rebecca @ heartland farmhouse said...

I have two healthy babies & no words here! Other than whew....powerful writing & you are loved!

Bless you friend!

Emily said...

Bless your heart. I have never experienced this myself, but know a few people that have... I am truly so sorry for your loss, Katie. After working in a Pediatric Intensive Care Unit for 4 years, I know that every child conceived is one of God's miracles, healthy or not. Praying for your healing and your sweet heart.

Greta said...

There is no other pain like it.
I just kept saying, "this isn't how it was supposed to be."
Some how that brought me some comfort.
But I still miss that baby that I never got to know.
Thanks so much for sharing this.
It helps, even now, to read other stories and know I am not alone.
Loving you.

Betsi* said...

I remember that moment, looking into the toilet and thinking how inhumane it all was, to just flush my baby, my little one, but I couldn't think what else to do. I was in shock. Thank you for being so raw and honest. Reading an experience and feelings so close to mine is comforting and freeing, even after all this time. This is powerful, Katie. <3

Rock-A-Bow said...

Thank you so much for sharing. I remember having to flush my baby, I always leave that part out of the story. Ashamed of it I guess. Knowing I am not alone is so comforting. Thank you for your honesty, it is so freeing.

Anonymous said...

Reading this broke my heart. BIG HUGS!!!!! You might know this from reading my blog, but I also had a missed miscarriage... And it all happened so similarly to yours. Down to the toilet and everything. It was awful. Miscarriage SUCKS. There are really no words of comfort during those times... I am thankful that we have a loving God to cling to.