Tuesday, October 11, 2011

miscarriage series--part 1

It has been on my heart to share my experience with multiple miscarriages and secondary infertility with you. I will post a few separate posts in the next few weeks. I believe we are given the ability to share and encourage through our trials. I hope you are touched in some way even if you have not personally experience pregnancy loss and/or infertility.

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I thought I'd be over it by now.

But every time I hear of a friend, family member, or blogging bud who has announced the loss of a pregnancy, my heart feels the sting again as I remember.

It is no longer heartbreak, but more of a longing of what could have been.

I've had two miscarriages when our oldest son, Luke, was 3.

Two babies who I never felt kick or stretch the skin of my belly.

Two babies that I never saw floating on an ultrasounds screen.

Two babies that I never saw pushing a foot so hard that we could make it out through the skin of my round belly.

Two babies who I never heard a quickly beating heart on a doppler.

Two babies I never got to know as a he or she.

Two babies I never got to name, watch their first breaths in the world, to rest flesh to flesh, or sing "you are my sunshine" to like I did to my first boy, Luke who is now 8.

Luke:
Photobucket

Two.

The first baby we lost would have celebrated his or her birthday this month. I still remember every October.

The second baby we lost would have been six in March.

I know I will meet them again.

And I trust in God's ability to heal a broken heart.

I don't question why. I accept loss and pain as part of our life experience. Our trials of many kinds have taught me that.

I don't question God's provision. For after my two losses, He gave me these two guys.

Charlie (5):
Photobucket

Jack (3):
Photobucket

Shattered pieces of my heart were made whole again.

I'm learning now that I don't ever need to get over it. God has moved me forward, but I don't ever have to forget.

Much love,
Katie

I'm linked up with Casey today.

19 comments:

april@gingerbread said...

inspiring words...thank you.
xoxo

Marie said...

katie, you beautiful gal! thanks for sharing your heart and your story.

TDM Wendy said...

Sorry for your losses. Thanks for sharing.
Have you heard Switchfoot's new album yet? It is a must get. Especially the title song "Vice Verses" in light of your losses. Google the lyrics. So good.

Not as young as I once was... said...

you have no idea what seeing these words today has done for my soul. today. i had to actually do a double-take when I logged in. meanwhile, I am also Casey Leigh :) She has a beautiful blog!

likeschocolate said...

Thankyou for sharing your story. I lost a baby before my third son. I never realized how common miscarriages are until it happened to me, and so many shared their stories with me. Our child would be 5. I am sure sharing your story will help others.

Jamie said...

Miscarriage and pregnancy loss are terrible things to go through. My heart breaks every time I hear a story about a loss, too. I also have two babies in heaven. Just think, our children are with the Lord together right now. It's the only comforting thought in all of it...that our babies are safe and happy with Jesus. Hugs Katie!
PS: I totally thought you had three sons... Not sure why.

Kimberlee Haag @ http://enoughfaithfortoday.blogspot.com/ said...

Sweet friend! I too have a baby with Jesus. Kelsey was 9 months old when we found out we were expecting. I lost our baby New Year’s Day. I’ll never forget the loss of that baby, would have been due in July. I was preggers with my boys 3 months later. I knew then that it was part of the plan… I still don’t get it, but I trust that HE does, and HE is bigger than me! XoXo

L-i-n-d-s-a-y said...

Thank you for sharing that from your heart

Janna said...

Wow Katie, we're even more alike than I thought. I lost twins between my first and second child. I'm OK with it now, but it was so hard for a long time. There are still times when something would trigger a big emotional reaction where I mourn their loss all over again. But I know they're in better hands than mine, and I look forward to meeting them someday.

Melissa said...

I'm so sorry for you lost. Thank you so much for posting this. Someone very near and dear to me is dealing with this right now and she always says she just feels so alone. You are brave to share and your story will definitely help others. Thanks Katie!

Heather @ we.are.the.holdens said...

Katie I'm so sorry for your 2 losses.. and love that your telling your story to help others. I love you and wish I could give you a hug_ just because. :)

theolivetree said...

tears. so brave of you to share your story!

Susan said...

Katie, while I have never experienced a miscarriage ~ as a mama, I can only imagine how difficult it must have been.
Such a heartfelt post. Good for you for sharing this story.

Jess said...

i have never experienced a miscarriage, and i have a wonderful son. right now we are "trying" for another, and it is just not working so far. i think this post is a great one for encouragement, hope, and faith. thank you for sharing.
blog hopping from casey's.

Rebecca @ heartland farmhouse said...

Katie~
I LOVE you more each day! :)
This WILL bless others!

'we are given the ability to share & encourage others through our trials' AMEN!!! ~ while my trials & loss are different than yours that's the very reason i started blogging.....someday ;)

Thank you for couragously sharing your heart!!!

Betsi* said...

Thank you for writing so honestly from the heart. My little babe would have been one next month. But here I sit, nursing my sweet newborn son who would not have been had our fourth baby not visited us ever so briefly. We were "done" before that April Fools Day last year when, against all odds, a little pink plus sign showed up on a test.
I think so many of us will be overjoyed to meet the babies we have waiting in Heaven, and maybe even some we didn't know about.

Alyss said...

Thanks for sharing your heart Katie. Praying for you and all the other families who have experienced loss like this.

Charla Liedahl said...

I am so sorry for your losses. I can't imagine the pain.

{cuppakim} said...

i love your honesty katie.
even through the hurt.

and i love even more that God has, and is, and continues to move you forward. and he allows you to carry that hurt with you, but he also will carry that hurt FOR you.

such an awesome God we have. <3