Please see:
part 1
part 2
part 3
*****
Within a few months of the 1st miscarriage, I got pregnant again. It was something that I focused intensely on as a distraction from the pain. When I noticed the same symptoms as my pregnancy with Luke and the pregnancy that miscarried, I knew I should take a pregnancy test. Just like I had suspected, the word "pregnant" appeared on the screen.
However, just like my pregnancies before, I had to take several tests to convince myself that I was indeed pregnant. I immediately felt the thrill and joy of the pregnancy but I could not shake the fear and doubt that it would last. The prior miscarriage robbed the excitement.
We told a few family members and friends. We asked for prayer and we treaded lightly each day as we waited for my doctor appointment. I was tired, breaking out, and bloated, but the extreme nausea that I get while being pregnant was not hitting me yet. I was chalking it up to the fact that it was still so early in the pregnancy.
However, my body already knew.
Within a few days I started bleeding.
Once again, I called my doctor as my heart raced.
Once again, the nurse told me to come in for an ultrasound.
I knew the routine.
And once again, the ultrasound showed no life.
I went home and waited for the miscarriage. Unlike the previous miscarriage, I was not able to see this as common or nature's way of knowing something was wrong with the development.
I felt fear this time. I was fearful that I may never carry a baby full-term again. I wondered if my pregnancy with Luke would be my only one to produce a live baby.
I didn't wait long until I miscarried the baby. Just like the 1st time, I stared at the mass of tissue and wept at what could have been.
What should have been.
What may never be.
And flushed what was my baby down the toilet.
After the second miscarriage my OB decide to send me to an infertility specialist. I remember walking to the waiting room and wondering if this was going to be our future.
After multiple test coming up inconclusive the general thought was that my body's antibodies were attacking the "foreign invader" in my body. That is what lupus does.
Consider when you have a cold virus. Your antibodies detect that "foreign invader" and go into attack mode to destroy it in order to keep you body healthy.
Lupus acts the same way except your antibodies are attacking healthy tissue and organs.
It was assumed that my pregnancy losses were connected to my lupus. In an attempt to keep that from happening again, I was put on some medication to keep my immune system from going haywire. I was also going to start taking progesterone suppositories from the time of ovulation until I got my period. If I got my period, I'd stop taking them until my next time of ovulation.
I was feeling anxious over the possibility that we'd never carry full-term again. I began researching adoption. I had an agency in place and started to warm Kevin up to the idea. I even shared with my parents and a few close friends our plan in case things didn't work out for us.
A few months later, we discovered I was pregnant. I stayed on the progesterone suppositories throughout the 1st trimester and was relieved to see a heartbeat at the 1st ultrasound. I knew we were still very high-risk, but I had hope that his pregnancy would last.
Our son, Charlie, was born a healthy baby in June of 2006. We could not have been more relived and thankful. Luke was 3 1/2 and adjusted well to life as a big brother.
It was a huge shock with 7 months later, we found out I was pregnant with our 3rd son Jack. Again, I went on the progesterone and stayed on my lupus medication.
Through all the heartache and doubt, God taught me that He is the puzzle maker. He knows every piece. He guides us as we put each piece together to make a perfect fit.
Much love,
Katie
If you are hurting and need someone who can relate to your painful experience of pregnancy loss, please know that you can always email me. xoxo
1 comment:
Girl, you were gorgeous after having had a baby! Both times gor-geous!
Beau-T-ful heart as well! :)
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