the blues

I know this is blogland and all but I have to admit that I've been feeling a bit blue lately. I am usually a shade of green. Grass green. Happy green.



I'm not so much a yellow; I don't quite have the energy or pep for yellow. I'm not a fierce red either. However, you could definately say I'm green. When I think of green, a few things come to mind: cool (not as in rad), stable, and consistent. I stay at a steady speed without zig-zagging my emotions too far to the right or left.

But lately I'm blue.

There are some things weighing heavy on my heart. We are seeking answers to some big questions. The process of seeking and waiting and not always doing is not natural for me.

Blue. Moody, storm churning ocean blue.



And then we had a child in our community get hit by a car. You can read what happened HERE. He's 8. My oldest is 8. I don't even have the words.

Blue.

Carry on with daily tasks.

Blue.

Put a false smile on my face.

Blue.

Give the all too appropriate, "I'm great."

Blue.

But today...I felt glimpses of green today. It started out like all my other Tuesdays. I woke up, got everyone ready, rushed off to school, volunteered in the classroom, ran errands, went to the gym, and ended the to-do list with swim lessons.

I remember when I was at home with just Luke and the the days seemed to last forever. I long for those days now.

Forever sounds nice.

However, we came home from swim and as my boys played tennis out front with the hubs, my oldest came in and asked me to go for a lizard catching walk with him.

To be honest, I didn't want to go. I am fighting a nasty cold and I just wanted to put my feet up and chill. When I griped about not feeling well he asked, "can I get you an ice pack?"

This was a breakthrough for my boy with Asperger's! It was HUGE. To reflect on me not feeling well, feel empathetic, and offer to help me, was mind blowing. I was speechless. I know it may seem bizarre, but expressing such empathy does not come naturally to Aspie kiddos. It was such a tender moment; my boy wanting to take care of his mama.

It was enough to motivate me to get off the couch. As I slowly walked a few steps behind him, I observed him lizard hunt. I watched his hair bounce up and down with each step and listened to his theories on where the best lizard catching locations were. The rhythm of his flip flops tapping from his his heels to the ground matched the rhythm of green beginning to pump back through my veins, filling up my heart again.

I vividly saw myself pushing him in his stroller through our old neighborhood in San Clemente. I pictured myself pushing the back handle on his trike. And now he was guiding me on the lizard hunt. He was the leader. I was the follower.

Yep, I could feel the green. My heart was swelling up with it once again. Because no matter how blue our circumstances get, we always have the chance to find our true color.

Much love,
Katie

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