Tuesday, August 23, 2011

hanging on

When Luke started kindergarten, I was not one those anxious moms with tears in my eyes.

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I don't know if it was because I was a former teacher and I knew he'd be fine the minute I returned to my car or if it was because I had two babes in a double stroller screaming to run around the campus, but I walked back to my car confident that he was ready.

On the other hand, I have my Charlie. I thought I would start him a year from now in kinder because he has a summer birthday. However, after researching on google too many nights than I'd care to admit, I know putting him in this year is going to be just fine.

But, I am hanging on to him tightly. I am not ready. I find myself looking at photos over the last five years of his life everyday. I want to remember every stage and every sweet moment and milestone.

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Being in the middle means that when he was 7 months, I found out of was pregnant with Jack.

It means that I was throwing up and feeling rotten for the next 9 months. I wasn't as hands on, fun, and present as I desired.

It means that at 17 months we welcomed Jack into our family and Charlie became a big brother when he was still a babe.

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My hands were full. I wept over the fact that I didn't get the wealth of time that I had with our oldest Luke. He was the only one for 3 years.

I am craving to be with Charlie. I am wishing for more 1-1 time with him. I am craving cuddles and lots of "I love you's".

I am wanting to freeze time.

I want to be the one to hover and protect him from harm all day long.

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But, I know that is not my job.

He's ready. He's excited. He's a big boy now. He's eagerly awaiting this new adventure.

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And I need to be ready and excited for him. I'm trying. Even if it means that I will put on my mama brave face and weep in the car next Monday morning.

Much love,
Katie

Linking up with sweet Jami today.

24 comments:

Karen said...

Can I just say you look freaking amazing after delivering your babies!! Gorgeous!!! You'll do great Katie and if you think you are not, just come see what a mess I'll be and you'll feel better about yourself :)

Heather from wearetheholdens.blogspot.com said...

Yes, I agree with Karen..you look amazing in those pictures. Umm, mine were not so pretty. And I know where your at... just keep busy that day..ya'll will both be great. :)

theolivetree said...

agggh! Kindergarten...I already tear up thinking about it...it is all me selfish reasons...I know my girl will be just fine :) I too dread C E C ...we NEVER go on weekends...ever...only when it isn't crowded...also if you buy one of the cup they have to purchase...you get free refills every time you bring it even! p.s you are very pretty!!

Alyss said...

Praying for you Katie! I cannot imagine. I feel I will react the exact same way when Jude finally goes to school. Or for that matter, when I finally have a second child! I'm already thinking of how much LESS time I will have at home with the second.

Charlie is going to thrive!

AMedina said...

Yesterday was so hard for me. Picking him up was even harder as he was clearly very happy to be in kindergarten. I was secretly bummed that he didn't cling to me. It was so hard to let go. I feel ya!

Erin said...

I know I'll be feeling the same way when Ellie goes to kinder next year..so hard to let go!

hannah singer said...

oh! sending you hugs! you and cutie charlie will both be fine. it'll be beautiful! (and you are super gorgeous, by the way!)

Laurie J said...

oh, sweet friend.....my thoughts exactly. I send my middle son off to K next week, too, and I was prego w/#3 by the time he was only 10 months.....where does the time go? rejoicing with you that God will give us the strength to do what we can't on our own. LOVE!
<3

Heather said...

You are an amazing mother! And can I just say that your pics made me get soooo homesick for San Diego! And btw- you look super familiar. I think we've met before ;) xo

Heart n Soul said...

So understand ... the growing up experience is hard on our Momma's heart.

Marie said...

I'm sorry, but i didn't process a word you posted after seeing how gorgeous you are after delivery! Had to go back and reread! I know how you feel about not having enough 1 on 1 time because of a new little one. I will be lifting you up in prayer all week, lady! your heart is beautiful too, by the way:)

Brooke said...

Awww... I have a few friends with kiddos on the border like that and it is HARD to figure out the best course. Kids thrive, though. He will be fine. Don't forget to wear BIG sunglasses that first day. They come in handy!

Genn said...

Oh Katie, what a sweet and sincere post.
First, can I say how great you look in both those pictures after just having had a baby! Fantastic.
Second, I hear ya. It's so bittersweet being a mom sometimes isn't it? Good luck as the school year begins for him. I'm sure you will both be okay. Hugs.

Karrie said...

The things us moms must endure!! Hang in there :)

kinze said...

i am just doing the preschool thing and i have a flood of thoughts going on inside my head also ... we just need to pray over our kiddos everyday ... and God will take care of the rest!

Adrian said...

First off, you look crazy good in both those pictures after having your boys. Wow!
And I know how you feel. My littlest will be 1 in a week and I feel like I've missed a whole year. Why can't they just stay small forever? I would love to freeze time too.

Susan said...

Stop it with how amazing you looked in the hospital!! Seriously lovely.
He is adorable - and I think you're amazing for sending him off on this adventure. It is so hard to let go.

Sarah said...

yeaaaaah.... letting go. Not one of those things I do well. Thankfully, I have a few more years but it seems to always be looming...

Jami said...

Does the tugging at the heart ever stop?! Also, why do you look so fantastic right after giving birth?! love you
xoxo

Melissa said...

Such a sweet post. I try to embrace every day as well, but there is NO way I would have made it without crying. This post made me cry just thinking about taking Isabelle to school~

Laura@Splendor said...

Know exactly how you feel. It's how I feel about my middle one, Bella. Thats why I am so thankful for this time I'm getting with her while her brother is at school. God is good about restoring to us what was taken, or lost. P.S You are beautiful.

Kimberlee Haag @ http://enoughfaithfortoday.blogspot.com/ said...

My oldest was just shy of 19 months when we welcomed our twin boys into the world, it was like she had to grow up too fast… She was a big sister and a baby all at the same time. I feel you mama ;)…
And thanks for the button add! You made my day ;)

xo katrina said...

i honestly feel like i was reading my own thoughts about my second son, michael. but they are so independent and ready for their adventure. we need to let go and enjoy the ride with them. :)

Kelly said...

Sweetie. I know the feeling. I totally want to freeze time. I love the honesty of this post. Be strong Momma.
xxO